Tattoo

One week ago, I got a tattoo. It was done at Defiant Tattoo on Lyndale, next to Eye of Horus, by a guy named Scot who has magnificent dreadlocks. According to the aftercare handout he gave me, I have one more week before I can go into a pool again.

People told me that it would hurt.

It didn't. Not really - I mean I've had pulled muscles that hurt worse than that, and it doesn't last.

People told me that it would itch.

It hasn't really itched. Not enough for me to feel like scratching it.

So yeah. Tattoo experience: two thumbs up.



I got the tattoo of the White Tree of Gondor from Lord of the Rings. It has symbolism... basically hope springs eternal, all that type of stuff. If you would like to know more, talk to me about it.

It feels like it has always been there, but now it just shows up. That is a pretty damn cool feeling.

I Am Strong

Yesterday morning, I went for a 5 mile run. Yesterday evening, I still had some nervous energy to spend, so I decided to go to Vertical Endeavors for some rock climbing. I usually go in the early afternoon, but yesterday was after 6PM, so it was a little more crowded. I have become fairly skilled with the auto-belays. It's still a challenge, but I'm good enough at it so that I can get to the top of a lot of the routes.

On the second level of the Minneapolis location, there are some slightly more difficult rocky routes in a room where they also have some manual belays. There was a guy there - frat boy type. Beer tee shirt. Probably more product in his hair than any self respecting guy should use (unless you're a greaser, then it's cool). He was attempting a route which was fairly difficult, and after one try he gave up and told his buddy it must have just been really rough.

A photo from Vertical Endeavors website

Once he put the clip back in it's holster, I clipped in and climbed it. Now, I've already done that one before, so I knew I could do it, but it is still a fairly advanced route - requires a lot of fancy leg placement (this dude was taller than me and had longer legs, so he shouldn't have had a problem). After I made it to the top and rappelled down, the look on his face was priceless - it was best described as a judgmental sneer, and yes he made eye contact with me while exhibiting that facial expression. Frat boy judgmental sneer. Love it. Oh I don't give a damn what other people think of me, but I kind of hope I made him feel a little bit uncomfortable. I was smiling and traipsed down to the lower level to attempt one of the really long routes. I didn't make it all the way to the top, but 3/4 is not too shabby. Not too shabby at all.

And this, my friends, is why I have the gun-show going on in my biceps without a weight lifting regimen.

I Think I'm Wired Differently

Being single at this time in my life, the subject of dating has come up with more than one or two of my friends, as obviously I must immediately become coupled again in order to be validated as a human being (snerk).

Minor problem: I hate the notion of dating. Oh sure, since I'm a girl I would most likely be on the receiving end of a free dinner, but I can afford to feed myself and frankly, I don't suffer most men very well. Sorry, it's a fact. There are three kinds of men who I run into:

• Uninteresting guys (like one I met recently who was coming on to me) I will actually just walk away from. This one I walked away from while he was talking. It may make me a bad person, but he annoyed me with his uninterestingness - I mean, there was just nothing there.
• Interesting Enough To Mess With guys - I will basically try to get a rise out of them before I walk away, or maybe chat with them at coffee for a while or whatever. I might be kind of a jerk to them. This sometimes backfires, because they think that I'm actually interested, but I don't care. I honestly really enjoy messing with people. It's a sort of hobby of mine.
• Interesting Enough To Flirt With guys - well that doesn't happen very often to be honest; when it does, I am grievously ill-equipped to handle it, but I try anyways - truth be told, I suck at flirting. I really really seriously suck at it. Those men who fit this bill are usually unique in some sort of way, and have the ability to both 'dish it out' and 'take it.' These guys nearly always find me uninteresting and walk away. *That last part was meant to be humorous.

They say that you should come up with a list of attributes your ideal mate should have. I have somewhat of a list in my head, it's not going here. *Also, not keen on the whole word "mate" as that implies breeding, something which I don't want to do. 

Here is a partial list of things that are important to me on this subject, in no particular order:

• I have difficulty trusting any man who has not watched, or will not admit to having watched pornography. I think it is utterly strange to consider that a guy wouldn't have been exposed to it, and if they won't admit it, well then, they're lying and that's just not cool. If they haven't been exposed to it, I suspect very uninteresting times are to follow.
• I used to have this blanket distrust of all men who wore flip flops.... then I realized my brother wears flip flops (almost exclusively), so I guess it's OK now. I still think it's weird for guys to wear flip flops though. I don't know why.  
• After having had a semi long term relationship with a guy who had a violent aversion to coffee (basically he was just a total dick about the subject and wouldn't even let me have it in the house), it is absolutely essential that any man I give my time to must be a coffee drinker. 
• Smoking - I quit in 2003 when my Asthma got bad. Still, I would rather date a smoker who drinks coffee than a non-smoker who hates coffee. 
• If he doesn't have a bellybutton, I'm not interested. Oh wait that was supposed to be my inside voice... 

That said, I resolve not to post any specifics about anyone I might date on this blog without express permission from such individuals (if they even exist) because I sure as hell wouldn't want someone blogging about their dating experiences with me. I would kind of see it as a violation.

You're Hurting Yourself. Stop it.

I haven't been sleeping a whole lot lately, and that's alright with me because I've been getting enough sleep for my purposes (apparently, since I'm not feeling tired.) I don't have insomnia, everything doesn't feel like a copy of a copy of a copy, I'm not starting a Fight Club with my imaginary friend, I'm just awake and alive and pretty happy about it. My brain has always been one of those that always has some kind of project running in the background; I think a lot, especially lately. I process a lot, and something I have been processing (due to a wide variety of catalysts which have come across in recent weeks) has manifested into this which I am writing now.

Having exited a relationship several months ago, one would think that I wouldn't have any present desire to be involved with anyone again. Logic *should* dictate that I would want to distance myself from that which caused me pain/problems in the interest of self preservation. You know, burning your hand on the stove means you don't touch the stove again. But people are different. Every stove will burn you, but not every person, and we are pack animals, at heart. I suspect that back in caveman days, when the cavemen weren't selling car insurance, they were sleeping in piles or at least in pairs.

So getting to the point:

I have had bad things happen to me. I have had bad things done to me. I have been physically abused, I have been date raped (twice), the guy who tried to forcibly assault me I was able to overpower (big guy too)... but even so... I have been threatened, mind-fucked, and abandoned by people who professed to love me forever. People who were important to me have died of unnatural causes, leaving me to wonder what I could have done.

ANY TIME I let these things keep me from being open to new people, new relationships, new friends, new experiences, I am punishing myself for things that were done to me. Now that doesn't make any kind of sense, does it?

Self flagellation doesn't suit me, so I choose to be open to new, maybe strange, maybe uncomfortable things. Will I get hurt again? Oh, I have no doubt that it will happen. Will I punish myself for it? Nope. I have far too much faith in the All-Father and the Universe to even go there ever again.

I am actually really deliriously freaking happy these days, and nobody will ever get to take that away from me, no matter how much they might want to.

Things I Would Like To Do.... But Won't

Over the years, I have been called many things - some of them have been unkind and downright abusive, but I'm thinking more along the lines of the things I've been called which may have been intended as insults but which I chose to accept with gratitude. I am referring to labels such as: "eccentric" or "weird." Someone with a poor grasp of the English language (non native speaker) said a good nickname for me would be "Zoner" because I lived in the Twilight Zone - granted, I was 11 at the time, but you get the point.

Some of the odder stuff that goes through my head involves things that I would like to do, but most likely never will because of societal norms or because they could get me into some sort of trouble.

• Get a chainsaw and steal a Banksy
• Call a radio station and ask for a Kid Rock song, but forget the title. Tell them: you know, it's that one where he says "my name is Kid?" (This idea happened when he was still popular. I dislike Kid Rock.)
• Go into a Blockbuster and put "Be Kind Rewind" stickers on the DVD's
• Open up a club that specializes in "dress-tease" - you know, where attractive people seductively get dressed on stage! (Tell me that wouldn't turn someone on.)
• Select "Alabama Song" at a Karaoke Bar and change the lyrics to "show me the way to the next sushi bar..." 
• Get scuba gear and sit at the bottom of the pool at the Y for a couple hours. 
• Start wearing a cape... every day. (I have a cape... I might wear it in the Monster Dash, but I haven't decided).
• Sit in the stall of a large public restroom and play the sound file associated with the camera on my phone over and over again while making ... sounds.
• Appear to carry on an intelligent conversation with zoo animals, get irritated when bystanders want me to move so they can see the Tiger
• Les Miserables flash mob in front of the Government Center. (ala: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYizXBQ5EQA )... side note, I just watched that whole thing and need a kleenex now. 
• Take humorous targets to the firing range: printouts of iPhones being my main interest

I'm sure there are more things that I'd like to do but never will... but I can't think of any right now, because I'm contemplating the logistics of that Les Miz flash mob. Would we get arrested? Hmmmmmm.....

Why Spiritual Tradition Is Important To Me

In 1997, I took a Level 1 Reiki class in LaCrosse, WI. In 1999, I took Level 2. I did not go for Master Level.

The things that I was taught were EXTREMELY IMPORTANT about Reiki was as follows:

• The symbols are never to be depicted on paper or in any visual method, if they are drawn, they must be burned. 
• The most important thing is to honor your lineage. You should be able to trace yourself back to Mikao Usui (basically your master was initiated by ___, who was initiated by ___... and so on). If you can't do this, then you can't be sure you've been attuned properly are are not offering the minimal respect which the energy deserves. (I can trace my lineage: Me -> CN Rodgers -> Michael Hartley -> Phyllis Furumoto -> Hawayo Takata -> Chujiro Hayashi -> Mikao Usui)
• Master level involved living with a Reiki Master for something like a year

The things that I am finding in the 21st Century

• Books are publishing the Reiki symbols
• It's trendy to get them tattooed (this horrifies me)
• People don't know jack about their lineage
• You can become a master in one day!

Now... I believe that ANY path a person is led to, they are led towards that path for a purpose and it is right and good for them. I also believe that when you participate in a tradition, a ritual, or anything that has some type of history with it, it is a show of basic respect to adhere to the tradition as it has been laid out. Example: I went to a solstice drum jam last December. It was based upon Siberian Shamanism. We were blessed by the Reindeer Goddess. It was pretty awesome. Do I actually believe that I was blessed by a Reindeer Goddess? No, but I felt blessed and like a beautiful child of the universe, and if I was ever to participate in that tradition, I would participate with full adherence to the tradition. Tradition is important. It generates an energy of its own. 

I haven't made a secret of the fact that presently I am feeling drawn to Odin The All-Father. My actual belief is that God Is Really Big, I Mean, We Are Impressed Down Here, Let Me Tell You. So very very big that there is room for all interpretations. Spirituality is like a fingerprint. I can no more tell you how to perceive The Universe or All That Is, than you can tell me how to perceive it. I categorically reject most Judeo/Christian interpretations as not being relevant to me - but if I am in a situation to where I am in a church participating in some sort of thing, I am respectful of the thing and I don't bitch about it. I feel a very Pagan type of spiritual connection in my blood right now, so I roll with it. I have participated in some rituals and events. The respect and the honor of the previously established tradition provides a certain continuity of energy that reaches back before my time and reaches forward past my ending. It's a very groovy thing. 

So back to the Reiki thing - am I irritated that people are led to watered down versions of something which I was once a part of? Meh, maybe a little..., but that's my issue and I'm working on it. What really saddens me is that some of the basic tradition has been lost. Once an oral tradition goes by the wayside, it can never come back again. Change is a natural part of existence, but there is something to be said for honoring longstanding traditions. 

Why I'm Not Googling You

I am an expert skip-tracer. I can find any dirt about anyone on the internet. I'm extremely good at it. I do it for work on a fairly regular basis, and if someone finds themselves in some kind of legal peril or suspects someone of criminal activity, I will ALWAYS help.


I do not use this "superpower" in my personal life. I don't search friends, family members, I sure as hell don't search men I'm interested in (downright creepy) - not just because your web presence might not reflect your actual personality, not just because I don't want to judge people based upon what's written about them or based on their past.



There are two reasons why I'm not searching you. 

• I might find something that will hurt me. Criminal background, those furry porn pictures that someone posed you in while you were drunk, your Craigslist listing of a used sex-swing... Okay those last two might make me laugh, but even so. I'm a face to face kind of person (as much as I hurl myself around on Facebook, I really am, and if I want to know you, I'll talk to you. It's that simple.)
• It's addictive. I get an adrenaline rush when I find what I'm looking for. At work when I get asked to find information on someone to support something that the legal department is looking for - when I find that puzzle piece that can quantify everything? I feel like a genius and I do a happy dance in my head. When I find video that proves something? I feel like you feel going down the incline on a good rollercoaster. I don't need to be doing that at home. At all. 

There is one reason why I might go ahead and search you.

• If I don't know what happened to you. If it's been years and years, and one day I start thinking of you and wondering, 'I wonder what happened to ____'?

This morning, I was thinking about a woman named Linda, who during the late 90's was kind of a spiritual mentor to me. She helped me a lot just by being on the other end of the phone during a really rough time, though I never actually met her in person. She didn't know I was drinking, but she did help me to feel that it was possible to believe in something outside of myself that was loving and not, at the minimum, laughing behind my back. I knew she had lived in Fergus Falls, so I googled her name and city. I also knew she was ill and had already outlived her diagnosis, so this was not a total surprise. 

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/santafenewmexican/obituary.aspx?n=linda-r-haukos&pid=144839648#fbLoggedOut

Rest in Peace, Linda, you were good.