You're Hurting Yourself. Stop it.

I haven't been sleeping a whole lot lately, and that's alright with me because I've been getting enough sleep for my purposes (apparently, since I'm not feeling tired.) I don't have insomnia, everything doesn't feel like a copy of a copy of a copy, I'm not starting a Fight Club with my imaginary friend, I'm just awake and alive and pretty happy about it. My brain has always been one of those that always has some kind of project running in the background; I think a lot, especially lately. I process a lot, and something I have been processing (due to a wide variety of catalysts which have come across in recent weeks) has manifested into this which I am writing now.

Having exited a relationship several months ago, one would think that I wouldn't have any present desire to be involved with anyone again. Logic *should* dictate that I would want to distance myself from that which caused me pain/problems in the interest of self preservation. You know, burning your hand on the stove means you don't touch the stove again. But people are different. Every stove will burn you, but not every person, and we are pack animals, at heart. I suspect that back in caveman days, when the cavemen weren't selling car insurance, they were sleeping in piles or at least in pairs.

So getting to the point:

I have had bad things happen to me. I have had bad things done to me. I have been physically abused, I have been date raped (twice), the guy who tried to forcibly assault me I was able to overpower (big guy too)... but even so... I have been threatened, mind-fucked, and abandoned by people who professed to love me forever. People who were important to me have died of unnatural causes, leaving me to wonder what I could have done.

ANY TIME I let these things keep me from being open to new people, new relationships, new friends, new experiences, I am punishing myself for things that were done to me. Now that doesn't make any kind of sense, does it?

Self flagellation doesn't suit me, so I choose to be open to new, maybe strange, maybe uncomfortable things. Will I get hurt again? Oh, I have no doubt that it will happen. Will I punish myself for it? Nope. I have far too much faith in the All-Father and the Universe to even go there ever again.

I am actually really deliriously freaking happy these days, and nobody will ever get to take that away from me, no matter how much they might want to.