Minor problem: I hate the notion of dating. Oh sure, since I'm a girl I would most likely be on the receiving end of a free dinner, but I can afford to feed myself and frankly, I don't suffer most men very well. Sorry, it's a fact. There are three kinds of men who I run into:
- Uninteresting guys (like one I met recently who was coming on to me) I will actually just walk away from. This one I walked away from while he was talking. It may make me a bad person, but he annoyed me with his uninterestingness - I mean, there was just nothing there.
- Interesting Enough To Mess With guys - I will basically try to get a rise out of them before I walk away, or maybe chat with them at coffee for a while or whatever. I might be kind of a jerk to them. This sometimes backfires, because they think that I'm actually interested, but I don't care. I honestly really enjoy messing with people. It's a sort of hobby of mine.
- Interesting Enough To Flirt With guys - well that doesn't happen very often to be honest; when it does, I am grievously ill-equipped to handle it, but I try anyways - truth be told, I suck at flirting. I really really seriously suck at it. Those men who fit this bill are usually unique in some sort of way, and have the ability to both 'dish it out' and 'take it.' These guys nearly always find me uninteresting and walk away. *That last part was meant to be humorous.
They say that you should come up with a list of attributes your ideal mate should have. I have somewhat of a list in my head, it's not going here. *Also, not keen on the whole word "mate" as that implies breeding, something which I don't want to do.
Here is a partial list of things that are important to me on this subject, in no particular order:
- I have difficulty trusting any man who has not watched, or will not admit to having watched pornography. I think it is utterly strange to consider that a guy wouldn't have been exposed to it, and if they won't admit it, well then, they're lying and that's just not cool. If they haven't been exposed to it, I suspect very uninteresting times are to follow.
- I used to have this blanket distrust of all men who wore flip flops.... then I realized my brother wears flip flops (almost exclusively), so I guess it's OK now. I still think it's weird for guys to wear flip flops though. I don't know why.
- After having had a semi long term relationship with a guy who had a violent aversion to coffee (basically he was just a total dick about the subject and wouldn't even let me have it in the house), it is absolutely essential that any man I give my time to must be a coffee drinker.
- Smoking - I quit in 2003 when my Asthma got bad. Still, I would rather date a smoker who drinks coffee than a non-smoker who hates coffee.
- If he doesn't have a bellybutton, I'm not interested. Oh wait that was supposed to be my inside voice...
That said, I resolve not to post any specifics about anyone I might date on this blog without express permission from such individuals (if they even exist) because I sure as hell wouldn't want someone blogging about their dating experiences with me. I would kind of see it as a violation.
I couldn’t decide what sign in I should use.
ReplyDeleteYour list amuses me. It’s not too far off from mine. But it’s far shorter.
I too -while I consider a guy who watches too much pornography to be a cause of concern- (my ex was, dare I say, addicted) I find a man who claims to have never seen any to be questionable as well. And a man who claims not to masturbate. Face it -he’s lying. Or he goes through a lot of sheets. One of those.
As for what I want in a man. Being divorced after 14 years of marriage has actually left me with little interest in finding another mate. Mostly because I have no need for one. Being married to the man that I was for so long, I learned to fulfill my own needs, social and emotional, or have them filled elsewhere. Outside of his paycheck, I don’t think he was fulfilling any needs at the point of our separation.
I should point out that if I had used these guidelines when assessing my ex, we would never have married.
1. He must be employed, full time. This is a must. No exceptions. I would prefer that he be educated. But if he is a self made business owner or proficient in some other area that transcends the need for formal education, that is fine. So long as he is not just capable, but also willing to contribute financially. If he’s over 30 and only working part time or is on SSI, that is unlikely to change.
2. He must live on his own. If he lives with his mom and is over the age of 22, I am suspicious. He can have roommates or even share space with a sibling. But if he still lives with his parents, forget it. Even if he used to be on his own and had to move back in with them -forget it. Red flag.
3. He must be well read, literate and have a vocabulary exceeding that of the average 6th grader. If I have to dumb things down for him, it’s not going to work. And on top of that, he must appear interested in seeking knowledge about things of which he is ignorant.
4. He must be able to say how he feels and communicate his ideas to me. If something is bothering him and he would rather not address it, it’s not going to work. If I ask him how he feels about something and he can’t say, it’s not going to work.
5. He must be willing to put as much effort into the relationship as me. If I am doing all the work I will eventually break down and resent him.
6. He must be a Christian. And by that I don’t mean he must be a wacky, Bible thumper who has a fish on the back of his car, goes to church every week without fail and makes obnoxious posts about Chick-Fil-A on Facebook. I mean he must have a heart after God, be seeking to improve himself and serve others, be seeking to do what is right and above all else, love. I mean Christian in the life he leads and the way he treats people, not just in the title.
ReplyDelete7. He must not have a creepy relationship with his mother. If his mom appears jealous of our relationship and seeks to usurp any influence I might have over her son -goodbye Norman Bates. If he is over 30 and his idea of a good time is going out with his mom, there is something severely odd going on there.
8. He must be open minded about books, movies, music etc. No mocking what I like, no only being willing to talk about what interests him. Actually if he spends any amount of time simply MOCKING anything, chances are he isn’t the man for me.
9. He must be capable of confrontation and be willing to defend me, should it come to that. Do I need a man to defend me? Probably not. But that doesn’t mean I want him to stand there like a pussy while I do all the talking. He must also be willing to stand up for himself.
10. He must be willing to equally share responsibilities such as bills, grocery shopping and housework. He must be willing to know what our expenses are and take an active interest in paying them.
11. He must be able to function adequately in the sack. If his unit is drastically undersized, and everything else is great, I MIGHT be able to overlook it. Probably not. But you never know. But if he also suffers from premature ejaculation and refuses to seek help, it’s not going to work. If he is way more interested than his own satisfaction than mine, it’s not going to work. If he is unwilling to do anything remotely kinky, it’s not going to work. And if he is failing in any of the above areas, chances are it’s going to require tremendous effort on my part to even want to have sex with him anyway.
12. He must care about his health. I don’t expect him to be in perfect shape, because God knows I’m sure not. But he should at least care enough about it to avoid turning into Jabba The Hutt.
13. He must care enough about politics to be willing to vote and at least educate himself on the issues beforehand. He absolutely cannot be: racist, sexist, ageist or homophobic.
14. He must have his own means of transportation. I realize that in some cities, it isn’t vital to own a car. But where I live, it’s a must.
That’s all I could think of just now.
You know I didn't ACTUALLY put my real list up (I even said in the blog entry that I wasn't doing that). That's personal and confidential - but there were a few things that I thought would be fun to express in a blog format ;-)
ReplyDeleteI think your criteria are excellent for you. I don't have precisely the same ones, but they are in the ballpark. I have other more specific ideas of what I'd like, but I'd prefer to keep that to myself.
... I actually said "I have somewhat of a list in my head, it's not going here." But hey, if you want to put it out there, go nuts.
ReplyDeleteI really don’t care. There is very little about me that is private, as you well know.
ReplyDeleteIn the survey I took for my book on divorce, about 80% of the respondents admitted entering a new relationship within three months or less after leaving a multiple year relationship. While I understand the urge to a)have decent sex again b)have linear companionship, the practice of immediately coupling up is one of my least favorite behaviors directed at single women. We're not fruit flies, a out to evaporate, and I hope I think of my single friends as whole, rich, functional peolple... NOT as only 50% or less (if people add invasive attitudes about childbearing to the mix.)
ReplyDeleteRight on - yeah I was being kind of snarky with this whole post actually. I'm not jonesing to be tied down, for sure - but likewise, stuff of this nature has been on my mind. I also kind of wanted to make people spit coffee on their keyboards with my thoughts on porn };-)~
ReplyDelete